recap.. yesterday.. and whats going on in my future

so heres the deal. im off to camp tomorrow evening. pretty scary. im anxious. and worried. we have a week of training. i know it will be fun. i know it'll be good. but i'm still scared. im still nervous about whats going to end up happening. last night i went to the ex with cody. super fun. we went on twirly rides. and he won me a bear and pink scooby doo basketball, pretty sweet lol. and i got one of the necklaces. loved it. and uhm. yeah we watched the dogs. walked around alot. ate some good ex food. and then i couldnt walk anymore. so we went to see over the hedge. super cute. super funny. really really good. then we went to his house for a bit. talked to his mom. figured out how we were getting to camp. he went to visit his grandpa today. my knee is so bad. it hurts in the back.. like acl sore, to stretch, and to bend really far. pretty crappy seeing as i have to walk tons for the rest of the summer. run around. goof off. work. ah. gonna be a long/short summer. gonna be fun. i know it will. im still scared though. throw up some prayers for me. i'll love you forever. have an awesome summer, and i'll see you all when i get back!

sex.. yup i said it

So this is definetly just going to be a ramble. a jumble of all my thoughts. stuff i dont understand and wish i did. k so i totally know we arent supposed to have sex before we're married. fine. then i wont. but why is it that god made it so we want to so bad? maybe its how our society flaunts it, and focuses on it. it isnt something that two people share together, something that only they get to experience. something that nobody else gets to do with them. its just something to make them feel good. it isn't to have kids, its the other way around, do whatever you have to so that you dont have kids. i love my boyfriend. i love him so much. i want to be with him forever. i cant think of anything that would stop us from spending our lives together. especially after the whole experience that brought us together, and the role god plays in our lives. but we arent married. so we cant have sex. its a good thing someone is responsible. now i say that i dont want to have sex. i know that i shouldnt. i know that one time could screw me up. i know that i want to walk down the aisle wearing a white dress, and actually know that it means something. i want my first time to be once we're married. but that isnt the way my thoughts go when we're making out.. or even sometimes when we're just sitting together. i know people that have done it and they're fine. but i also know people that have done it and are dealing with consequences. i want to follow god. and you'd think that even if its just something like that i wouldnt think of doing it. the thing is i am a christian. and i've made the decission to wait for sex until im married. my boyfriend made the same promise, and we both know that thats what we both want. but sometimes its unbelieveable how much i just want to have sex. i screw up enough as it is, so why am i almost adding one more thing to the mix. you'd think if both of us were fine with it, then it wouldnt be as hard as it is to resist. sometimes i wonder why god lets us want to so bad when he knows its not good for us. but i also wonder why god lets people have depression. cut themselves. stop eating. throw up what they do eat. kill themselves. die accidentally. have babies when they're 14. have abusive parents. keep secrets that eat them from the inside out. life isnt fair. but with god theres something to rely on. i dont understand. and thats probably a good thing.

rip todd and norbert

Jesus, you better be taking awesome care of those boys.. and having fun..and stuff.. cuz seriously theres so many people here that are upset, and don't dont know what to do with themselves. I can only imagine what craig is feeling, so you better be there telling him thats its going to be ok.. carry him.. seriously. just be there because thats one of the hardest things he'll ever have to deal with. and honestly jesus im kinda pissed off with you, why would you let that happen. why would you take them away. they're 18. so young. and it was so sudden. they werent sick. it wasn't expected. it was out of nowhere. its not fair. not thats it's ever fair. but its just not fair. not fricken fair. right before exams. he doesnt even get to graduate. im sorry but thats just mean. and yes i know you have a plan. i know you're right here. i know you're walking through this with everyone. but it still sucks. but i love you. because i dont think any of us would be able to make it through this without you here. so thanks for being here. thanks for loving us. im praising you in the storm. but im pretty angry at the rain. i love you. thanks.

im a horrible dancer. i cant even get into intensive

apparently i am.. i remembered all the exercises.. and i still didnt get in..
i worked so hard.
and im not good enough.
i want to take more than 2 classes.
but i cant, all the ones i want to be in are at the same time as the one im supposed to be in.
i dont know what im going to do next year.
that was my plan for like the whole year.
i was going to be able to dance.
it was going to be my last year.. and ok maybe god has something better planned for my year, but now i dont even know what to plan for…

i just want to know what i was so bad at that they said no.. what made them say no because ive been dancing for this long and ive had 14 years to watch and compare myself to the people i was dancing with and i dont think i was that far behind all of them.. most of them were in intensive last year.. but does that mean that i cant be in it because i wasnt last year.. am i that much worse than them?

I pushed through all those classes for a reason. I went home and cried my knee was so sore sometimes.. but I love to dance.. I feel good when I can dance.. does it mean that all the work I’ve put in for the last 13 years wasn’t enough? I know I don’t have the body, Im built big.. and I have boobs and an ass.. im sorry.. yes my hairs short right now that shouldn’t make too much of a difference I get it up and out of the way.. im not that flexible.. I almost have my right leg.. once I have my splits my left leg will be there.. I promise.. my center are about the same as everyone else.. I remembered all the exercises.. and I danced. I didn’t just do the moves, I danced. I love it. I loved that class. I want to do it. I want to do hours a day. But without the program I cant. There aren’t enough of the right classes for me to take. I don’t know what god has planned at that scares the crap out of me. I want to know if he wants me to keep dancing. What else am I going to do next year. I want to dance. It’ll be my last real year of dancing, and im probably going to end up taking like one or two classes.. instead of the at least 7 I was going to. I could’ve been festival. But nope. Im too fat. Not flexable enough. But what the letter said was my ability isn’t quite there yet. Im probably the only one who didn’t get in. I would almost bet on that. Its ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn’t be this upset. But I am. It hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do with myself. Dancing is my life. And now I cant do it. I was so excited. So ready for it. And I almost had my parents convinced. My dad even knew how much I wanted to do it, and he doesn’t know much about me. Im not in intensive. What am I going to do.

this is all i have to give

''sometimes, that might be very little. sometimes, your everything might be a few words of prayer, an act of kindness towards a stranger, a cry of emptiness and anguish in the middle of the night. sometimes, your everything might be nothing more than a tattered heart, broken and bruised, beat up and wounded, spiritually empty and dry. sometimes, your everything might be the desire to change, to grow, to be renewed and transformed into a better person, into a person more like jesus. sometimes, your everything might be a sin, a struggle, a problem that you've wrestled with, a temptation that you've succumbed to again and again.'' Jer (jeremysawatzky.blogspot.com)

i've been upset lately. ive been cranky. tired. depressed. unwilling. unmotivated. snappy. angry. we have to give up what we can to jesus. we dont have to be perfect. we dont have to be happy. put together. organized. we can be alone. lonely. upset. but giving it up to him is giving him my all. right now all i can give him is my struggles. my constant urges to cut myself. the hate i feel. the way im overeating to compensate. i cant give him praise. but im doing what i can. and im sure that its enough for him. he knows that im hurting. and i think he knows the extent to which my hurt is. it isnt just a little. it feels so deep i dont even know what to do with myself any more. i know it will go away. i know its because im overworking myself and because im over stressed. and because im so unhealthy with what im eating. but i still dont like it. i want a smile. i want sleep. but its not what im going to get right now, so ill give what i can to him. thats all he can expect. he knows we arent perfect. he knows im not happy. he knows that im doing what i can, and even though it hurts im going to keep on doing it.

first post!!

Hey guys so here's my blog. yes this means i have another one. i probably won't update too often, im pretty busy, and i'll be gone almost all summer anyways. but yeah this will probably be the exact same thing that i post on my lj, and xanga, and msn thing. so yeah if you read any of those ones you probably won't have to make yet another trip to this one to see what i have say. biut it's really your choice. so yeah. im liz. i do ballet. i actually just auditioned for an intensive program and i should find out wednesday if i got in. ill be dancing 7 classes a week. thats like 17 hours or something. pretty excited. so yeah. this is what will be here today. i like to ramble. if thats not your style thats fine. yup thats all i have for now.

liz