this is all i have to give

''sometimes, that might be very little. sometimes, your everything might be a few words of prayer, an act of kindness towards a stranger, a cry of emptiness and anguish in the middle of the night. sometimes, your everything might be nothing more than a tattered heart, broken and bruised, beat up and wounded, spiritually empty and dry. sometimes, your everything might be the desire to change, to grow, to be renewed and transformed into a better person, into a person more like jesus. sometimes, your everything might be a sin, a struggle, a problem that you've wrestled with, a temptation that you've succumbed to again and again.'' Jer (jeremysawatzky.blogspot.com)

i've been upset lately. ive been cranky. tired. depressed. unwilling. unmotivated. snappy. angry. we have to give up what we can to jesus. we dont have to be perfect. we dont have to be happy. put together. organized. we can be alone. lonely. upset. but giving it up to him is giving him my all. right now all i can give him is my struggles. my constant urges to cut myself. the hate i feel. the way im overeating to compensate. i cant give him praise. but im doing what i can. and im sure that its enough for him. he knows that im hurting. and i think he knows the extent to which my hurt is. it isnt just a little. it feels so deep i dont even know what to do with myself any more. i know it will go away. i know its because im overworking myself and because im over stressed. and because im so unhealthy with what im eating. but i still dont like it. i want a smile. i want sleep. but its not what im going to get right now, so ill give what i can to him. thats all he can expect. he knows we arent perfect. he knows im not happy. he knows that im doing what i can, and even though it hurts im going to keep on doing it.