past doesnt = future

so yeah i used to cut. yeah i still think about it. when things go wrong, when people are upset, when i dont take my pills, when i make people mad and screw up relationships i want to cut. yes i see peoples scars and i want to cut. yes i look at my own and wonder why im trying so hard to stop something that seems so natural, and has always worked for me. but that doesnt mean that i'm never going to get better. i dont want people to see my scars and judge me. i like wearing tshirts. i dont want people to not give me jobs because i used to cut. i dont want people to stare at me like im crazy. i dont want people to think im attention-seeking because i had bad ways of coping, and didnt know what to do with feelings that i didnt know existed. i hate it that jokes are surrounding people that cut. i hate it that things seem to look so dull. i wish people understood that i screwed up. that i still am a christian. that it doesnt define who i am. that me and god are working through this together. i hate it when people say if you prayed harder, or depended more on god you wouldnt have to deal with that. because no. i pray. i cry out to god. and i still make the mistake. i still have the thoughts that it will be the only thing to get me through whatevers going on. but i am not a cutter. i am a girl that gets messed up. everyone has issues. everyone does things that arent healthy. everyone has negative thoughts. and yes i made a stupid decision (many actually, but im talking about the one where i decided to hurt myself). maybe things could have been different for me. but i believe that im going somewhere. that im improving. that i have people that care for me. people that want to help me. people that dont want me to hurt. just cuz you cant see new cuts doesnt mean im better. i still hurt on the inside. and i need to learn how to voice those hurts in a way that doesnt involve blood. please dont judge me. dont walk on eggshells around me. just love me. just care for me. give me a smile when you see me walking through the halls. it does make a difference.