sex.. yup i said it

So this is definetly just going to be a ramble. a jumble of all my thoughts. stuff i dont understand and wish i did. k so i totally know we arent supposed to have sex before we're married. fine. then i wont. but why is it that god made it so we want to so bad? maybe its how our society flaunts it, and focuses on it. it isnt something that two people share together, something that only they get to experience. something that nobody else gets to do with them. its just something to make them feel good. it isn't to have kids, its the other way around, do whatever you have to so that you dont have kids. i love my boyfriend. i love him so much. i want to be with him forever. i cant think of anything that would stop us from spending our lives together. especially after the whole experience that brought us together, and the role god plays in our lives. but we arent married. so we cant have sex. its a good thing someone is responsible. now i say that i dont want to have sex. i know that i shouldnt. i know that one time could screw me up. i know that i want to walk down the aisle wearing a white dress, and actually know that it means something. i want my first time to be once we're married. but that isnt the way my thoughts go when we're making out.. or even sometimes when we're just sitting together. i know people that have done it and they're fine. but i also know people that have done it and are dealing with consequences. i want to follow god. and you'd think that even if its just something like that i wouldnt think of doing it. the thing is i am a christian. and i've made the decission to wait for sex until im married. my boyfriend made the same promise, and we both know that thats what we both want. but sometimes its unbelieveable how much i just want to have sex. i screw up enough as it is, so why am i almost adding one more thing to the mix. you'd think if both of us were fine with it, then it wouldnt be as hard as it is to resist. sometimes i wonder why god lets us want to so bad when he knows its not good for us. but i also wonder why god lets people have depression. cut themselves. stop eating. throw up what they do eat. kill themselves. die accidentally. have babies when they're 14. have abusive parents. keep secrets that eat them from the inside out. life isnt fair. but with god theres something to rely on. i dont understand. and thats probably a good thing.