well..

so i havent been here in actually forever. today was a bad day. is that why i'm here? to complain to the world? maybe so. maybe someone that knows me will see it and give me that needed smile. the smile that doesnt know all the past and history and issues and just wants me to be able to smile again. but right now i dont want to smile. i dont want to walk. i dont want to dance. i dont want to talk or even really cry. the crying i can't help though, it just keeps happening. i hate breakdowns. its all out of control. if i wasnt worrying about graduating and actual grad i'd probably commit myself. actually.. maybe just go through with things for once. just get it over with. one less thing for julia and the fucking plastics to worry about. joel wouldnt have to care about me and have people talking about me because he actually cares. cody could find someone new. kyle barely knows me. the girls would all be there for eachother and it would be easily solved.. i'd be gone.. they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. i'm just sick of all of it. every last bit. its just driving me insane. im done. i dont want to think. i dont want to try. i dont even want to get out of bed. im just done with everything. i'm sorry for everything i've done to all of you. i'm sorry for being a bitch, or a whore. im sorry if it seemed like i was trying to steal your boyfriend. im sorry for stealing the attention. im sorry for yelling at you and making things hard on you. im sorry for not taking your opportunity and loving you, i know you loved me, i could see it and feel it every time you talked to me.. but you were my person. im sorry i never finished what i said i would. im sorry its all over so fast. im sorry. please dont be upset, im not worth it. move on. smile. graduate. think of me sometimes.

it seems like all my dreams...

so guys remember that amazing lightning storm at camp? where the whole sky lit up.. and we stayed out past 'curfew' sitting under the ledge thing of the tuck shop.. talking.. and watching.. and being in awe of gods amazing glory and power?? does anyone have pictures.. or video? its just been on my mind lately..

IT SNOWED!!!! its really winter!!!!

maybe jazz is pink...

yup another excerpt.. god is teaching me.. maybe you'll get something out of it.. and maybe not..

this is his version of moses talking to him..
"i want you to understand that god has never been nor ever will be invented. he is not a product of any sort of imagination. he does not obey trends. and god led us out of Egypt because you people cried out to Him. He was answering your prayers because he is a god of compassion. he could have left you to satan. dont complain about the way god answers your prayers. you are still living on an earth that is run but the devil. god has promised us a new land, and we will get here. your problem is not that god is not fulfilling, your problem is that you are spoiled."

"and moses was right. god is not here to worship me, to mold himself into something that will help me fulfill my level of comfort. "

"here is the trick, and here is my point. satan, who i believe exists as much as i believe jesus exists, wants us to believe meaningless things for meaningless reasons. can you imagine if christians actually believed that god was trying to rescue us from the pit of our own self-addiction? can you imagine? can you imagine what americans would do if they understood over half the word was living in poverty? do you think they would change the way they live, the products they purchase, and the politicians they elect? if we believed the right things, the try things. there wouldnt be very many problems on earth. but the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. and there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesnt like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if i actually believe these things i have to do something about them. ... even our beliefs have become trend statements. we dont even believe things because we believe them anymore. we only believe things because they are cool thing to believe. "

theres more.. but thats enough for now..
thoughts? comments? disagrements? experiences? wanna share?

jazz is blue?

so im reading through pieces of blue like jazz.. this is something julie has taught me, and i couldn't put it in better words

"I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not lover her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love."

Wow. i hear the lies all the time. that i have to cut myself. that i deserve punishment. that god loves me but he'll still forgive me if i hurt myself. that i dont deserve to eat. that im getting fatter and fatter and even eating that apple will make me gain weight. that im ugly. and worthless and dumb. these are all lies. but without someone there to help me do a true and false test i have no real way of remembering that. when satan gets in our heads it can be hard to know who and what to listen to. satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy, whereas jesus came to give us abundant life.. peace, love, joy. we aren't above god's grace. we need it just as much as the people on the street, and the people in war. we are not better than them. we need god. we need his love. and his grace. we cant do anything to earn it. we just have to accept it. this is random. not put together well. but its whats in my mind right now.

one word

One Word
YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD!!! NO EXPLANATIONS.

Yourself: frustrated
Your Lover: birthday
Your Hair: frizz
Your Mother: unemployed
Your Father: away
Your Favorite Item: pointe shoes
Your Dream Last Night: pain
Your Favorite Drink: diet
Your Dream Home: cozy
The Room You Are In: spare
Your Pets: none
What You Are Now: wasting
Who You Want to be in Ten Years: someone
What You Want to be in Ten Years: stable
Who You're Not: angry
Your Best Friend: tomorrow
One of Your Wishlist Items: car
Your Gender: uterus
The Last Thing You Did: argued
What You Are Wearing: clothes
Your Favorite Weather: rain
Your Favorite Book: postsecret
The Last Thing You Ate: nibs
Your Life: spiraling
Your Mood: upset
Favorite article of clothing: panties
Favorite color: purple
School: ah!
Song: tear down the tents- pagoda

past doesnt = future

so yeah i used to cut. yeah i still think about it. when things go wrong, when people are upset, when i dont take my pills, when i make people mad and screw up relationships i want to cut. yes i see peoples scars and i want to cut. yes i look at my own and wonder why im trying so hard to stop something that seems so natural, and has always worked for me. but that doesnt mean that i'm never going to get better. i dont want people to see my scars and judge me. i like wearing tshirts. i dont want people to not give me jobs because i used to cut. i dont want people to stare at me like im crazy. i dont want people to think im attention-seeking because i had bad ways of coping, and didnt know what to do with feelings that i didnt know existed. i hate it that jokes are surrounding people that cut. i hate it that things seem to look so dull. i wish people understood that i screwed up. that i still am a christian. that it doesnt define who i am. that me and god are working through this together. i hate it when people say if you prayed harder, or depended more on god you wouldnt have to deal with that. because no. i pray. i cry out to god. and i still make the mistake. i still have the thoughts that it will be the only thing to get me through whatevers going on. but i am not a cutter. i am a girl that gets messed up. everyone has issues. everyone does things that arent healthy. everyone has negative thoughts. and yes i made a stupid decision (many actually, but im talking about the one where i decided to hurt myself). maybe things could have been different for me. but i believe that im going somewhere. that im improving. that i have people that care for me. people that want to help me. people that dont want me to hurt. just cuz you cant see new cuts doesnt mean im better. i still hurt on the inside. and i need to learn how to voice those hurts in a way that doesnt involve blood. please dont judge me. dont walk on eggshells around me. just love me. just care for me. give me a smile when you see me walking through the halls. it does make a difference.

back from camp, exhausted, grumpy, and with lots to think about

so im home for good. i cried for hours. coming back into life. back into issues. back into my stupid messed up family. back to school. back to finding the right friends, and sticking with them. back to trying my best to live for god. not to sit back and pretend like im doing all that i can for him. cody came to the cabin with me and we had some of the most amazing discussions ever. about living for god, and just parties, and friends, and school, and home, and church, and just all the issues and things we've been facing. its kinda crazy. i already miss the safeness of camp. the happy people. the biggest issues we had to deal with was not having chicken fingers come in, or running out of tomatoes, or not having power. nothing really had to be dealt with. i dealt with my depression. i learned about satan crawling into my mind and taking control of it. taking my over tiredness and using it to his advantage, instead of me giving it all up to god and letting him take care of it, and letting him use me for his will. i dont even know what to think some times. like idk. im just tired. i have so much to do. my ocd is off the wall. my knee is sore, but cody know that his cartilage is torn and has been for a long time and that's why his is so sore. and that worries me because maybe his is worse than mine. and i just want to be taken care of, but how can he take care of me whine i'll be in recovery from surgery and he'll be getting ready to go in. doesnt really make sense does it. ah! im so selfish. and i dont like it. but i still just want to be cared for. and taken care of. and right now i dont feel like caring or taking care of anyone else. so there. blah. im going to go shower. and nap. and be refreshed. and it'll be good. maybe i'll start to unpack the things i've learned this week.

here's some pictures from staff banquet (ignore the knee brace):


Me Jesse and Sam


Moi et Menoukia


me and cody


me and cody again


"Staff camper relations unit!"
"Bridging the gap!!"
james and i were dating campers during the last week of camp, so tecnically we should have been fired :P


Moi et mes frères sydney et Jean-François


me and jill


me and sam


sam lee and me


oh look, me and cody again