well..

so i havent been here in actually forever. today was a bad day. is that why i'm here? to complain to the world? maybe so. maybe someone that knows me will see it and give me that needed smile. the smile that doesnt know all the past and history and issues and just wants me to be able to smile again. but right now i dont want to smile. i dont want to walk. i dont want to dance. i dont want to talk or even really cry. the crying i can't help though, it just keeps happening. i hate breakdowns. its all out of control. if i wasnt worrying about graduating and actual grad i'd probably commit myself. actually.. maybe just go through with things for once. just get it over with. one less thing for julia and the fucking plastics to worry about. joel wouldnt have to care about me and have people talking about me because he actually cares. cody could find someone new. kyle barely knows me. the girls would all be there for eachother and it would be easily solved.. i'd be gone.. they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. i'm just sick of all of it. every last bit. its just driving me insane. im done. i dont want to think. i dont want to try. i dont even want to get out of bed. im just done with everything. i'm sorry for everything i've done to all of you. i'm sorry for being a bitch, or a whore. im sorry if it seemed like i was trying to steal your boyfriend. im sorry for stealing the attention. im sorry for yelling at you and making things hard on you. im sorry for not taking your opportunity and loving you, i know you loved me, i could see it and feel it every time you talked to me.. but you were my person. im sorry i never finished what i said i would. im sorry its all over so fast. im sorry. please dont be upset, im not worth it. move on. smile. graduate. think of me sometimes.